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Humor

WATCH OR READ FOR SOME LAUGHS

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523 Pins

4h

cajohnsonwy

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Brain at 3AM: I can see you're trying to sleep, so I would like to offer you a selection of every memory, unresolved issue, or things you should have said or done today as well as in the past 40 years!

The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not having brains gives hope to many people

This 'killing them with kindness' is taking way longer then I expected.

Adulthood

26 Pins

warning! These brownies are for shirts and giggles. some have laxatives, and some have pot. Eat one and 30 minutes later, you'll know which it was.

I pointed to two old drunks sitting across the bar from us and told my friend "that's us in 10 years." He said, "that's a mirror, dipshit."

My high ass though this old lady was a mumpet.

Alcohol & Drugs

6 Pins

Thank you Lord as the world gets crazier the nuts get easier to find.

What cracker?

Animals

25 Pins

I DUSTED ONCE. IT CAME BACK. I'M NOT FALLING FOR THAT AGAIN.

Cleaning

1 Pin

Mom smokes in the car. Jesus is okay with it, but we can't tell dad. Not that secret, the other secret. I'M BATMAN!!!!!

A little seasoning, eh?

Well, it was pitch dark, and there he was. Uh. Tall, blue eyes, slim. Quite good looking. In a brutal, mean way, papa. A terrible man.

Cinematic Favorites

83 Pins

I need to cut back on caffeine. I though these were baby dinosaurs.

Coffee keeps me sane.... sort of

Coffee because murder is wrong

Coffee

31 Pins

YOU ARE 50 FEET FROM BETTER COFFEE. JUMP THE FENCE.

Commercials

7 Pins

Dear plexiglass...thank you for protecting me from the cashier that just toughed everything I am taking home.

Jumanji fans are planning to yell Jumanji at midnight to get out of 2020.

COVID (2020-2022)

7 Pins

Attention Idiots: There are only three reasons to unholster your loaded firearm. 1) you are robbing us 2) you are shooting the person robbing us 3) you are a complete incompetent idiot. PLEASE DO NOT UNHOLSTER A LOADED WEAPON IN OUR STORE. If you do, the following will apply to each of the above: you will be shot, you will be thanked, you will be treated like an idiot and asked to leave. If you are offended by this message you can assume that you fall in the third category.

I don't usually brag about going to expensive places, but I just left the gas station

If gas prices keep going up, it'll be cheaper to just snort cocaine and run

Current Events

3 Pins

Brain cells die, skin cells die, even hair cells die. But FAT CELLS.... must have accepted Jesus Christ as their Lord and Savior because they seem to have eternal life.

How's the diet going? Not good, I had eggs for breakfast. Scrambled? Cadbury's!

I'VE DECIDED I'LL NEVER GET DOWN TO MY ORIGINAL WEIGHT. I'M OKAY WITH THAT. AFTER ALL 6LBS, 3OZ IS JUST NOT REALISTIC.

Diet & Exercise

14 Pins

Is there some place I can sign up for a "do not call on me' list?

Study medicine they said, it will be fun they said.

Who is putting all the Math books in the Horror section?

Education

5 Pins

Get Well Soon!

When you die people cry and beg for you to come back but, when you do, there's the running and the screaming...

F***** Up

2 Pins

Hello! May I please speak with Jesus? Cause these folks gonna make me break at least four of the ten commandments.

If anyone ever asks you, "What Would Jesus Do?". Remind them that flipping over tablets and chasing with a whip is within the realm of possibilities.

If Selfies were a thing in the old testiment

Faith/Religion

17 Pins

My dad recently got a 3D printer and made a 'stool' sample for his doctor.

WHEN YOU SEE THE PATIENT STILL HAS A BRACELET FROM THEIR LAST TRIP TO THE ER.

I'LL HAVE A CAFE-MOCHA-VODKA-VALUME-LATTE TO GO, PLEASE.

Healthcare

53 Pins

Don't forget to turn your bathroom scales back 15 pounds Wednesday night at 1 AM for Thanksgiving.

LOVE IS IN THE AIR? WRONG. Nitrogen, Oxygen and Carbon Dioxide are in the air.

Any advice for being single on Valentines day? :( Whenever you see a couple laughing or kissing, start crying and scream at the guy saying.... "HOW COULD YOU??!! YOU SAID YOU LOVED ME! I GAVE YOU EVERYTHING AND NOW THIS??!! IT'S OVER!" then slap him and walk away, that would be interesting. This is why we are best friends.

Holidays & Events

12 Pins

TO DO LIST: 1- go to pet store. 2- buy bird seeds. 3- Ask how long it will take for the bird to grow. 4- wait for the reaction.

SOME HELIUM AND BLOW UP DOLLS...WATCH PEOPLE LOSE THEIR MINDS

Backwards clock that also runs backwards.

Jokes & Pranks

12 Pins

There's no reason to tailgate me when I'm doing 50 in a 35, and those flashing lights on top of your car look ridiculous.

COP: Do you know how fast you were going? Me: I kinda feel like that's your job.

DEA Agent and a Farmer

Law Enforcement

9 Pins

After all these years my wife still thinks I'm sexy. Every time I walk by she says, "what an ass".

For men who think that a woman's place is in the kitchen, please remember: that's where the knives are kept.

The next time your wife gets angry, drape a towel over her shoulders (like a cape) and say, "now you're SUPER ANGRY!" Maybe she'll laugh. Maybe you'll die.

Men & Women

26 Pins

An ambulance, call. But not for me. #starwars

What if the Indiana Jones Movies are just the dreams of Han Solo while he's frozen in carbonate? #starwars #indianajones

Indiana Jones / Han Solo

Movies & Shows

3 Pins

Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.

I'm Death... That's ok I will speak louder.

When you're cooking and the recipe says "chill in the fridge for one hour".

Other-Miscellaneous

32 Pins

Meg Reily on Instagram: "@thatchaddaniels the goat !! #gigem 🏈"

Meg Reily on Instagram: "CHORE LIST 😂 (comedian: @thatchaddaniels)"

I'd like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means "wow that's fantastic." Her texts are so much more fun now.

Parents & Children

14 Pins

Boaz's favorite pick-up line: before I met you, I was Ruthless

Hey gir, your hand looks heavy, let me hold it for you.

Hey girl, is your name Google? Because you got everything I'm searching for.

Pick Up Lines

5 Pins

One of these lions has security, free shelter, free food, and free medical care. The other lion has no assurance. Everything about his quality of life is his own responsibility - be careful what you wish for.

Don't steal, don't lie, don't cheat... The government hates competition.

The difference between humans and animals. Animals would never allow the dumbest of the herd to lead them.

Politics

3 Pins

You must have been born on a highway cos' that's where most accidents happen.

If I had a face like yours, I'd sue my parents.

If laughter is the best medicine your face must be curing the world.

Sayings & Insults

33 Pins

a positive note I haven't seen any mosquitos

I know Spring starts on Monday, however, I am getting a few days early start on my yard work...take that, winter!

IF YOU ARE PRAYING FOR SNOW PLEASE STOP

Seasons & Weather

10 Pins